Ratings crash: Miliband may have been unconscious at the wheel

Ed… Ed ……. Is he asleep? ED!!

The leader of a political party which careered out of control in Scotland says he has no memory of the crash, or events which led up to it.

Ed Miliband told the Evening Harold that although he understands Scottish Labour MPs want answers, he’d been unconscious for several years and could not remember anything.

Labour’s former-leader in-waiting says that he had no problems before 2010, apart from letting energy companies get away with murder when he was Energy Secretary. “But after that things are just a blur”.

The party went out of control in Westminster, shortly after his brother lost the leadership election and then crashed right across the UK, before being written off in a slow-motion Scottish catastrophe shortly after September 2014.

In a statement yesterday Mr Miliband said “I want to be able to reach out to the soon-to-be-ex Labour MPs and their families. Does anyone know who they are and where they live?”