Apple crumble over human rights allegations

Production line staff hard at work, cleaning up for Apple

“We at Apple are shocked to the core” said Graham Cross, after secret filming at Apple’s suppliers revealed repeated staff abuse. “But rest assured. Lawyers will be all over the BBC’s arse by Monday.”

BBC’s Panorama film showed workers so fatigued that they fell asleep during rest periods and even whilst operating machines.

Cross says although it’s common practice for workers to nap during breaks, he’ll investigate any evidence of sleeping at the workbench. “If it’s proved, then firm action will definitely follow. Wages will be docked. Guilty parties will first be named and shamed and then get a verbal warning: ‘Oy, Sleepy! Don’t doze off again!’ Only in Mandarin. Probably”.

Worrying assertions were made that some of the workforce were under-aged. “Goodness me, that would be completely unacceptable says Cross “We’d insist they’re sacked. And then maybe the factory will sue, to recover any wages they’ve unlawfully ‘earned'”.

Meanwhile, a Chinese factory manager highlighted the care he takes for his staff. “No, this orphan doesn’t have curvature of the spine. His back’s perfectly straight, look…oh bugger. It seems to have snapped in half. Never mind. Look! The top bit still sort of works!”