Local man inspired by Phil Neville

A bear on fire on a motorbike fighting off Christ the Redeemer for stealing his unicorn

Inspired by the plethora of ‘expert analysts’ prevalent on the television during the current World Cup, local entrepreneur Andy Warder has started a new consultancy business.

“I got the idea whilst listening to experts such as Robbie Savage, Danny Murphy and Andy Townsend on the telly, and I immediately set about honing my mathematical equation during half time in the France v Honduras match. It’s simple: Expert analysis = description of an event you have witnessed + cliché.

Even Andy is surprised at many areas it transpires he is an expert in “Education, health, sports science, skincare and nuclear physics to name a few” he told us. You don’t even need to speak the relevant language, I mean look at Fabio Cannavaro on the BBC, or Rio Ferdinand.

Andy gave us an example of the formula at work “Yesterday I watched a hairdresser (my hairdresser) cut a man’s hair (my hair), and here’s my analysis ‘He’s picked up his scissors and gone for a quick short back and sides, you’ve got to expect that in these hot conditions from the likes of your hairdressers and your barbers. The tip was poor but these types of decisions tend to even themselves out over a season.’ You see, I’m a hair care expert”.

Andy’s not received many bookings yet, but he’ll continue to practice his art. He told us his principle aim is to become a sexual relations expert, and as regulars at Harold’s local dogging spot know, he has been providing expert analysis on this topic for years.