Gremlin Ed Miliband gets wetter; spawns dozens of clones

Ed Miliband: don’t feed him after midnight

Over 50% of Labour candidates standing for marginal seats at the next election already work in Westminster or are closely related to senior figures within the party. Labour’s refusal to acknowledge that other types of people exist and might be just as good at fiddling their expenses and eating bacon sandwiches as current MPs is seen by many as conclusive evidence that Ed Miliband is a Gremlin.

“It’s an open secret within the party,” said an anonymous source who goes only by the initials HH. “I mean, look at him, he’s so obviously not human.”

HH told us that during a tense meeting about how to address the growing sense that politicians are a separate class who can’t relate to anyone but their own, Ed Balls suddenly snapped and after asking his wife, Yvette Cooper, to pass him a glass of water flung it straight in Miliband’s face.

“You can guess what happened next,” said HH. “Smoke and pustules poured out of Ed and once they’d hatched suddenly Jack Straw’s son, Tony Benn’s granddaughter, 15 ex-Labour MPs and dozens who work for members of the Shadow Cabinet were all candidates. Plus Tony Blair’s son is being parachuted into a safe seat as is Neil Kinnock’s son and Peter Mandelson’s iguana.”

“The top tier of the Labour Party has become self-replicating.”

“Of course in the films wacky hijinks ensue once the Gremlins get loose,” said HH. “This time I think only the Tories and Ukip will be laughing.”