Human civet coffee on sale for first time at Christmas Fayre

Mocha Regrets

Harold’s annual Christmas Fayre will be held at the weekend and promises to be another exciting occasion.

The sensation of last year’s event was Mavis Bottomley’s Nettle & Blackcurrant Jelly which she later revealed had been strained through a vintage pair underpants belonging to her husband, Ted, to “obtain that unique earthy flavour”.

This year the couple have had a crack at producing their own human civet coffee. “Initially we tried enlisting the assistance of the cat, but eventually Ted threw his hat into the ring and we started production,” said Mavis.

Mrs Bottomley was keen to stress that her kitchen has passed all the necessary hygiene regulations. “My kitchen is fully certified, so people should have no qualms about that,” adding “although to think of it, perhaps they should have inspected the lavatory. I wasn’t prepared to have Ted crapping all over my lovely kitchen.”

In case the coffee is not to everyone’s taste, the Bottomleys are once again also offering faeces painting. “If anyone wants an unusual centrepiece for the festive table then this is it. If you have guests for the Christmas dinner, then this never fails to be a major conversation topic,” said Ted proudly. “We like to joke that it is the faecal point of the meal.”

The Christmas Fayre will feature all of the usual attractions, with a raffle, tombola together with a bran tub for the children. There will also be a cake stall, although cautious visitors may be well advised to avoid the chocolate cakes which have been provided by Mr & Mrs Bottomley’s daughter, Bunty.