Edinburgh Zoo look to ‘human methods’ to induce panda’s labour


With the world’s media gathered at Edinburgh Zoo getting increasingly impatient to see if their female panda, Tian Tian, is pregnant, staff are looking at ways to induce labour.

“If Tian Tian did become pregnant during a course of artificial insemination she will be due any day now,” her keeper told us. “But finding out if a panda is pregnant is not as black and white as it may seem.”

“So we have decided to see if we can use traditional human methods to help induce her. Only yesterday we gave her a really hot bath but that didn’t seem to help, so this evening we are giving her a hot Biriani curry to see if that does the job.”

Weighing in at well over 15 stone, with distinctive fur, eating up to 20 kg of food a day and a distinctive waddling walk, Boris Johnson has offered to fly to Scotland to offer his assistance in the last option to ease Tian Tian into labour.

“We all know that sex is a great way to start of the process of giving birth, and I am offering myself to the animal,” the Mayor of London told us. “I even have my own Panda outfit, although if it is not realistic enough I am not against partially blacking up for the occasion. It wouldn’t be the first time.”

Edinburgh Zoo have declined Mr Johnson’s kind offer saying the reason the Pandas were there in the first place to help with the worldwide breeding program. “No offence to Boris, but we want these animals to start having sex, not to be scarred for life”.

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