Search for Ed Miliband continues

Have you seen this man? What? Really? Oh, our mistake.

The search for Ed Miliband continues amid concerns that Britain may have mislaid not just him but the entire Opposition.

“I heard that they’ve made the cleaners look down the back of all the chairs and sofas in the Houses of Parliament,” said Harold pensioner Ruby Butler as she and her grandson decided to do their bit and look for Miliband in the long-ignored shed at the bottom of her garden. “But all they found was a copy of the New Statesman and half a panini.”

“It is worrying,” said local man Adam Cassidy, preparing yet again to go into the woods in the hope that by leaving out dishes of guacamole and reading aloud from a biography of Ramsay MacDonald he would tempt any Labour politicians who may be hiding in them to break cover. “This country is being buggered senseless by the Coalition, social exclusion is rising, the people who need the most help are getting the least and Ed Miliband and the rest of Labour are nowhere to be seen.”

“When’s the last time you can remember Labour giving a clear sense that they are in opposition to what is happening and would do things differently?”

“Someone did say that they saw Chris Bryant last week,” Rev. Tansy Forster said as she checked the crypt at St Paul’s in case anyone who’d become an MP because a trade union had rigged the selection list was hibernating down there. “Apparently he popped up for five minutes and gave it a bit of ‘I’m the the Shadow Home Office Minister’ but then he said something to upset Tesco and promptly disappeared which is suspicious in itself.”

“As it stands with no Opposition and polls predicting that in the next election the Lib Dems will be entirely wiped out this country will become a one-party state,” said estate agent Gill Gates. “All right technically there will be another voice in politics but does anyone really want that voice to belong to Nigel Farage?”