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Death estimates ‘a little too specific for comfort’ say pensioners

Pensioners have complained that the government’s proposed new life expectancy guidelines are “worryingly precise” after volunteers for a pilot scheme were given exact details of the time and manner of their impending demises.

gravestone

Really? Thursday? Well sod the library fines then…

All of the predictions came exactly true, leading to suspicions that the whole scheme was little more than an efficient and ruthless way to slash welfare spending.

“They told my Doris she’d live until last Thursday, when the brakes on her mobility scooter would mysteriously fail,” claimed Albert Renfrew, 104. “And lo and behold, if it didn’t only go and happen just like they said. Spooky, I call it.”

“The police said the cables do just snap cleanly like that sometimes, and they only look like they’ve been cut.” Continue reading

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