Always getting better, at being shits
Michael O’Leary says Ryanair’s lying to passengers should be seen in the light of the company not giving a shit about them.
“When you put our behaviour in context it all makes sense. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I don’t give a shit, Ryanair doesn’t give a shit, it’s all entirely consistent. Why is that so hard to understand?”
Harold teaching assistant, Carly Jeffery is a Ryanair customer whose flight was cancelled at short notice. “The next flight they could book me on is in January but as I was going to my mother’s funeral Continue reading
Filed under News, Transport
The new cabin crew really doesn’t care
Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary has vowed to make his airline even more unpleasant in order to reclaim its place at the bottom of the league table for customer service.
“Apparently nPower and Scottish Power are now both slightly more heinous than we are,” a disappointed O’Leary said. “I’m not having that. Ryanair prides itself on providing the most kak experience there is.” Continue reading
A man has said he is disappointed, upset and overall confused at the new charges on his recent mobile phone bill. The new fees included excess baggage, extra legroom and a large fee for paying his bill by credit card.
“I called my provider and they confirmed the new charges were a result of me putting my phone into ‘airplane mode’,” he told us.
Trying very hard not to spit right in your face
Ryanair chief executive Michael O’Leary has said that staff will be instructed to only spit in the faces of customers who really deserve it, amid concerns that poor customer service is hitting sales.
Europe’s biggest budget airline warned earlier this month that profits may miss forecasts, and O’Leary is worried that regularly abusing customers may be contributing to their problems. Continue reading
Mandi seemed normal just before her apology
A flight attendant today broke down and issued tearful apologies to passengers affected by a five hour delay of a Ryanair flight into Dunstable International Airport.
Mandi Jones, a 23 year old flight attendant from Harold, was overcome with emotion and wailed uncontrollably after realising that the 243 passengers had not only suffered an uncomfortable 4 hour wait in a crowded cold departure lounge, but had also had their onward travel plans disrupted.
Ryanair chief Michael O’Leary has unveiled plans for all flights to be conducted online, with a massive surcharge to be imposed on people who fail to fly online and actually turn up at the airport. The move will allow Ryanair to ditch its fleet of planes and become the world’s first no-cost airline.
“Educating people to check-in online was easy once people realised the alternative was to pay £40 for a boarding pass” said Mr O’Leary.
“So a £1,000 surcharge for people who fail to fly online should ensure few passengers turn up at the airport. Those that do will be will be placed on a British Airways flight and wear a large green clover on their chest to identify them as Ryanair passengers, so they can be charged to go to the toilet.”