Tag Archives: Rees-Mogg

Rees-Mogg admits to using camphorated tincture of laudanum with nanny

Jacob Rees-Mogg has admitted to taking an opium derivative in his younger days, joining every other Tory leadership contender in confessing to drug use.

In an interview with The Strand magazine, which ceased publication in March 1950, Mogg (Rees) claimed that his habit was entirely due to the influence of a family domestic servant, who introduced him to tincture of laudanum in a final attempt to get him to shut up.

“I was just a skinny lad, never knew no good from bad,” he told Strand journalists. “But I knew Arkwright’s Patent Syrup of Opium before I left my nursery.”

“Left alone with big fat Fanny, she was such a naughty nanny, to be honest I think she only tried drugging me after strangulation didn’t work.”

The admission comes as Theresa May enjoys her final days in Downing Street, with a number of the prime minister’s Conservative colleagues vying to replace her.

Speaking on BBC Radio 4’s Today programme on Saturday, Mogg-Jason’s leadership rival Dominic Raab said he did not believe the admission would have an impact on Mogg-Rees-Jason’s chances in the leadership race. He said: “I certainly don’t see it barring him from this race in any way. I rather admire his honesty.”

Raab, who has previously admitted taking cannabis as a student, added: “It was a long time ago and pretty few and far between. I have never taken cocaine or any class-A drugs.”

“Mind, you, I am a total cunt – that might stand against me a bit.”

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New emojis for 2019 include wheelchair user, guide dog and Jacob Rees-Mogg burning in fires of hell

A total of 230 brand-new emojis are set to arrive to major platforms this year including a wheelchair user, guide dog and leading Brexiteer Jacob Rees-Mogg burning for all eternity in the fiery pits of hell.

The Unicode Consortium – a computing industry standard for the consistent representation – released its official list of emojis for 2019 on Tuesday, revealing new additions across a number of categories including animals, culture and corrupt arseholes dragging this country into the shitter.

Following a proposal from Apple last year calling for more emojis to represent people with different disabilities, Unicode has announced the update will include people in wheelchairs, people with prosthetic limbs and service dogs.

All of these will be pictured dead, to represent exactly how long anyone who isn’t rich stands a chance of staying alive after a no-deal Brexit.

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Flatulent darts player accidentally leaks Rees-Mogg’s Brexit plan

Pro-hard-Brexit Conservatives have had their plans thrown into disarray after their secret rival proposal for exiting the EU was ‘leaked’ by a professional darts player.

Gary Anderson of Scotland and Dutch man Wesley Harms were contesting the Gland Slam of Darts, when one of the two athletes spontaneously produced a hellish eruption of gas from his non-throwing end.

As the stench of rotten eggs thickened in the sporting arena,  a junior Brexit minister was seen to rush the stage, wafting frantically with a large piece of cardboard, while grown men burst into tears and vomited.

Urging the wafting minion on from the back of the hall was a mysterious cloaked figure in a top hat, shouting out: “Don’t let them get a sniff! They’re not supposed to find out what a giant turd this all is until next year!”

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