Tag Archives: pensioners

Delighted pensioners roll up their sleeves to create a vibrant new economy

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Waiting for the Gangmaster for their first compulsory work detail

The silver-surfer generation woke up this morning, overjoyed by being alive, by winning the referendum, and by the prospect of the hard work of rebuilding the country.

“Not me though, love.” chuckled pensioner Elsie Duggan of Harold’s Over-The-Hill Nursing Home. “The youngsters will do it, won’t they? Those nice Polish plumbers down the road, for starters, their daughters are both carers here, you know.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Economy, News, referendum

£26 charge to pick up fallen pensioners ‘is proof mankind now living in hell’

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You’ll never leave

The news that a local council in Essex is proposing to charge old people £26 to come round and pick them up after a fall is the final proof that mankind has now left the physical plane and entered hell, according to experts.

Scientists and theologians have been convinced for years that the much-prophesied end of the world actually happened last year without us realising it we are now all inhabiting the pits of hell.

The problem with this theory is that it has been very hard to prove, especially as things weren’t exactly great before.

Now, however, Tendring local council in Essex have decided to charge pensioners who are already paying for care an extra £26 if they fall over, and this is the clearest sign anyone could want that humans are now living a miserable cursed existence in the pits of hades.

A spokesperson for Tendring council confirmed that this was indeed the case, saying: “We have a responsibility to balance funding for all non-essential projects, and exist only to serve our Lord Satan, the great evil master.”

Most people were of the opinion that the Hell thing was no excuse for Tendring council’s behaviour.

“We might be consigned to Hades, being tormented for eternity by all his demons,” complained one, “But you’d still expect better standards than this.”

Others were generally relieved to have life’s great mystery explained to them. “We might all be in Hell now,” pointed out one of the damned, “But at least I finally feel like I understand the Daily Mail.”

 

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Filed under News, Religion, science

Death estimates ‘a little too specific for comfort’ say pensioners

Pensioners have complained that the government’s proposed new life expectancy guidelines are “worryingly precise” after volunteers for a pilot scheme were given exact details of the time and manner of their impending demises.

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Really? Thursday? Well sod the library fines then…

All of the predictions came exactly true, leading to suspicions that the whole scheme was little more than an efficient and ruthless way to slash welfare spending.

“They told my Doris she’d live until last Thursday, when the brakes on her mobility scooter would mysteriously fail,” claimed Albert Renfrew, 104. “And lo and behold, if it didn’t only go and happen just like they said. Spooky, I call it.”

“The police said the cables do just snap cleanly like that sometimes, and they only look like they’ve been cut.” Continue reading

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Filed under Health, Politics