“Hmmm. Do you know? I think I’ve handled it rather well”
Jeremy Corbyn has used the Westminster summer break to assess how he’s handled allegations of Labour party antisemitism. “I asked Shami, who said ‘You’ve done very well, Jeremy’. She’s studied the subject so, good enough for me.”
“We’re not complacent, even though it took five years to deal with Ken Livingstone but only five hours to put the skids under Margaret Hodge. So we’re making progress. Did I say ‘making progress’? I meant Continue reading
Somewhere ahead a bearded man is waving a red flag
Labour seems to have lost contact with its leader, in a dense fog.
A kindly-looking bearded man, thought to be Labour’s leader, was last seen waving a red flag aloft, before disappearing.
According to an Evening Harold senior lip-reader, the man had mouthed a soundless “This way everybody, follow me…” then strode off towards who knows where, whilst the party itself Continue reading
Not very happy. Kyle hoped for Defence portfolio
Resignations and rebellions have led Jeremy Corbyn to cast his net wider to fill his shadow cabinet. Corbyn has high hopes that 14 year-old Kyle Jones, who delivers his morning newspapers, will be his latest recruit.
“Kyle may be young but he has nearly two years work experience, which is more than the few Labour MPs I’ve not yet tried.”
Corbyn has offered Kyle the post of Shadow Chief Secretary to the Treasury, to give him a broad overview of all areas before moving him to be Shadow Home Secretary the next time Diane Abbott gets, or becomes, another headache. So, some time next week. Continue reading
You really want to know? I haven’t got a clue.
A leaked Labour document which has been sent to some of the party’s MPs and activists, says they should deny all knowledge of Ed Miliband while out campaigning in the run up to the next election.It says the issue could be “unhelpful” and may risk losing votes.
The document suggests that that campaigners should use whatever diversionary tactics they can think of if anyone mentions the ‘M’ word. Continue reading
“Hmm. I don’t think much of the leader either. Who is he?”
Shadow Ministers will arrive at ‘work’ today with a spring in their steps, knowing that, as a final act of kindness, Ed Miliband will be culled before the weekend.
Lord Kinnock’s ringing endorsement of Labour’s human drag-anchor was the penultimate nail in the near-complete coffin, according to Lady Kinnock.
“Good grief! Neil didn’t know he was leading us to defeat, even when he’d already done it once before. As soon as I heard him talking-up Ed on Radio 4, I got my black dress and veil out of the attic and straight round to the cleaners”.
Colleagues queuing for tickets to stab Ed in the back, debated when the deed should be done. Some favoured Remembrance Day, with the nation’s attention elsewhere for a minute at 11am; others Friday morning, to allow the new leader a full weekend before calls for their resignation begin.
“Yes, it was only this morning that I noticed Ed was useless,” briefed a potential leadership candidate yesterday “but you can trust in my vision for economic prosperity. Sorry, gotta go, Yvette’s doing a Sunday roast.”
Gary Glitter in his heyday enjoying a joke with political rival Margaret Thatcher
The Labour party has apologised for “getting it wrong” after revelations that the party was led for much of the 1970s by notorious paedophile Gary Glitter.
A spokesman admitted Labour was “naive” over its links with Glitter, but insisted that paedophilia was now almost totally eradicated from the party, and had only ever been a “minority interest”.
After losing the 1970 general election, Labour famously decided to widen its appeal by seeking new members from the entertainment industry, and figures such as Glitter quickly rose to positions of importance. The present-day party’s insistence that child molestation was not widespread is perhaps questionable, given the presence in the shadow cabinet of Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall, and the “Child Catcher” out of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Continue reading