Tag Archives: gambling

Sitting on a sofa in his underpants, online gambler thinks he’s James Bond

Do you take Tesco Clubcard points?

Harold’s fattest man says losing his wages to an algorithm is pretty much the same as living the dream of casinos, fast cars, and Vodka Martinis; whatever they are.

Billy Mckean, star of the harrowing documentary ‘Help, my liver’s the size of a dog’, says that his ‘undercover job’ as a Tesco Express security guard gives him insight into the superficially different worlds of a criminal mastermind breaking the bank at Casino de Monte Carlo and Darren, from Continue reading

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Filed under idiots, News, TV

Ladbrokes’ lost £43m: “We’ll bet our way back into profit”


“…we’ll still be holding up our punters by their ankles, to shake out any loose change”

Ladbrokes, one of the the high street’s leading money-hoovering bastards, have posted their worst ever losses, to the delight of the nation’s gambling addicts.

Outgoing CEO, Richard Glynn, explained his simple recovery plan, which will leave his successor in a sound position; guaranteed mate, can’t fail. “Step one, we’ve a £10m accumulator with Betfred, for the first five races at Kempton Park on Saturday. That’s a dead cert so we’ll be well ahead by tea-time”.

“If that doesn’t work and we’ve no reason to think it won’t, step two means  staking all February’s takings on Jeb Bush winning Continue reading

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Filed under Business, News, Sport

Osborne guarantees Indian match-fixing costs


More donations and votes? You do surprise me

On the first day of his visit to India, George Osborne has announced match-fixers in the sub-continent will soon be eligible for loans backed by the UK government.

“Gambling is one of the UK’s great success stories.” brayed the man born into a wealthy family with an hereditary peerage app; a roll-over winner in the lottery of life “So we’re opening up that market to friends in India, who have friends in the UK with donations to make and votes to sell.” Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics, Sport

Local landlord relaunches fruit machine as ‘free App’


Fruit machine runs jelly bean and supports candy crush

Harold’s favourite and only pub has inched closer to the busiest street in the village…it’s now uncomfortably close to the information super highway (or ‘internet’, as your kids may know it).

Eddie, landlord at the Squirrellicker’s Arms, has embraced the world of smartphones and tablets and proudly showed off the latest upgrade to his operating system.

“It’s not all beer and scratchings”, revealed Eddie, “it’s not even all cider and pickled eggs. The inebriated of Harold are demanding more, and I think I’ve got the gist of it.”

Despite not having a phoneline, Eddie has been offering free wifi for ages thanks to a sign he had made by the blacksmith. But when a visitor complained that he couldn’t connect his iPad to the service, Eddie soon learned that it takes more than a staplegun and duct tape.
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Filed under Around Harold, Technology