‘An unforgettable experience’ warned a psychologist.
A ‘magical’ winter wonderland staged in Harold’s only abattoir has been closed by police after less than five minutes.
Families watched a bored elf draw on a woodbine as he fired a bolt into a pig’s brain. “That wasn’t very christmassy”, complained one parent. “Elves aren’t supposed to smoke.”
“The Santa looked jolly enough in his red clothes”, admitted PC Flegg, “if a little crazed. But the red came off on my skirt when I sat on his knee, along with a bit of kidney. And they hadn’t even wrapped the bag of chitterlings he gave me.”
Visitors had been promised there would be reindeer in attendance, but there was just three cows with table legs in their ears. And those managed to jam up the rotating knives.
The smell of Christmas
A Christmas attraction designed by Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen has closed down after only ten minutes following a flood of complaints.
Visitors to The Magical World of Poo near the village of Harold said it was far from magical, with piles of excrement everywhere and Father Christmas handing out cheap shiny toilet paper “like they used to have at school”.
The few paying customers before the site’s hasty closure in a police raid said their children had been left in tears. One said it “ruined the magic of Christmas”.
“We were so excited about the World of Poo, the kids have been hopping up and down all week,” said an unhappy visitor.
“But we got here, and, well, not to put too fine a point on it, it was full of poo!” he complained. “I could have knocked that out in my back garden, if I wasn’t constipated.”