UK citizens are being advised to stay indoors and not touch anything on Friday 13 July when President Trump visits the Kingdom.
“Bad Luck and Weird Coincidences are happening all the time,” explained super-meta-physicist Milton Keynes, “but compound that with the Friday the 13th phenomenon and a visit from a madman, then we could all be in big, big trouble.”
“My advice is, stay indoors lock everything and keep still. Above all, do not walk under any ladders or attempt to straighten the hall mirror. Or watch the news.”
Church leaders and soothsayers are urging Mrs May to wear a mask and not look directly into Donald Trump’s eyes.
“I see thunderclouds on the horizon and other non-meteorological omens of doom,” said the Archbishop of Darkness. “Wary be thee whosoever doest a Trump encounter on the day that succeeds Thursday the 12th, for I dare not even utter the name of that most monstrous of dates.”
RAF Squadron Leader Mick ‘cool hand’ Macintosh has confirmed there will be no Red Arrows fly-past for Trump.
“On Friday the 13th?” he said. “Are you mad?”
And least superstitious man on Earth, Professor Brian Cox, said he will be staying in bed all day, praying.