‘Oy! Stop clogging up our corridors! Jeremy Hunt tells selfish dying patients

“Social care? No, not a clue, do tell.”

Jeremy Hunt has called on the dying and their nearest and dearest to ‘play fair’ and stop calling ambulances in the last hours of their lives.

“We only get a finite amount of life,” said Health and Social Care (no really) Secretary Jeremy Hunt “so it does no good if those who’ve already had their three score and ten – make that three score if you’re poor – insist on clogging up hospital corridors.”

“Wide corridors, I might add, which might otherwise be leased to Costa Coffee or Pret a Manger. Or maybe something novel, say a vintage marmalade bar.”

Insiders say that Mr Hunt will wait until the weekend before making any long term decisions about his new social care brief, although a £3bn top-down reorganisation is currently the hot favourite.

In the meantime, Mr Hunt has commisssioned a supply of ‘Social Care’ lapel badges to balance the ‘NHS’ badge he’ll continue to wear on his left lapel, to show us all how much he really cares.