Staff at the Daily Mail – think of the Minions from Despicable Me then imagine it being remade in Hell – are bouncing into work this morning ready for the start of Poppy Hunting Season which runs from now until 11th November during which they attack anyone in the public eye who isn’t wearing a poppy at all times.
“We love it,” enthused one constant drain on the wonders of life. “We’ve managed to hijack a symbol of remembrance and hope and turn it into a something repellent just by calling some z-lister falling out of a nightclub and out of her dress a disrespectful whore for not having a poppy pinned to her tit. And as for the footballers who don’t poppy-up, especially those of the more ‘urban’ persuasion if you know what I mean, well, that’s a front page and an editorial right there.”
“While you shouldn’t wear a poppy until the start of the Poppy Appeal which begins on 26th October we like to get in early with the spite,” they said. “It’s like Christmas, the build up starts earlier and earlier every year. Oh, and we’ll be covering that in shite in a minute too. Did you know that loony-left councils have banned wrapping paper and fairy lights because they’re not halal? Of course it’s true, you’ll read it in the Daily Mail.”