With less than a month to go before polling day, UK politicians are more desperate for attention from Russia than Guy Richie is for someone to pay to watch King Arthur.
MPs from all parties are disabling their firewalls and changing their their passwords to password1 in the hope of attracting some cyber-shenanigans from the land of Tolstoy, Maria Sharapova and endemic corruption but so far nothing has worked.
“I’d love to get hacked,” a backbencher told us. “It’s glamorous. Like all politicians in this country I spend most of my time wishing we were slick and sexy like they are in the West Wing and U.S version of House of Cards. Having a global superpower illegally dick around inside our servers would be a step towards realising that dream.”
As MPs take to the streets and the media for another day of campaigning barely any of them will be able to concentrate as their global insignificance eats away at them.
That and the knowledge that Russia even hacked the French.