David Cameron has ended speculation about why he’s chosen to resign as an MP by stating it’s because he can’t cope with being in the same room as ordinary people.
“Of course a chap brushes up against them from time to time,” the man destined to be the answer to the pub quiz question ‘which Prime Minister managed to drop a larger bollock than Chamberlain?’ said. “Ordinary randos hand me my food and look after my children in pubs that sort of thing but since I stopped being PM they’ve been trooping into my office in Witney and demanding I actually give a shit about them.”
“I’ve shared a Kit Kat with Obama, and goosed Angela Merkel so fuck your struggle with your mum’s care home fees, yeah?”
The man who shot
Liberty Valance the UK in the head, foot and anus went on to say that unlike recent former Prime Ministers he wouldn’t be writing a memoir and instead was planning on focussing his energies on the family farm.