Despite it not starting until next Friday most villagers are already as indifferent to the Rio Olympics as they are to the existence of Dermot O’Leary and healthy eating advice.
“I’m like ‘not now’ with the Olympics,” local aspiring WAG Melanie Delaney told us. “The world’s got some serious problems, and Boris Johnson, so can we not get that all fixed instead of pretending it’s majorly important that a skinny Italian bloke can walk fifty kilometres all arse-wiggly really, really fast?”
“Even the corruption scandal surrounding Rio is boring,” yawned Dennis Bush, manager of Harold Save & Prosper bank. “It’s mostly about sewage and sanitation. It’s not exactly Scarface, is it?”
The opening ceremony begins at midnight on 6th August and is expected to be beaten comfortably in the TV ratings by a repeat of an old episode of 8 Out of 10 Cats.