Jamie Oliver has signed a multi-million pound deal with Sadia, a company that produces ready meals and is a subsidiary of BRF Brazil which is as kind to chickens as a weird kid with a magnifying glass on a hot day is to ants.
“Yeah, well, all that fresh food, healthy eatin’ malarkey’s bollocks, isn’t it?” said Oliver, as he wiped his dribbly lips with a fifty pound note. “I was just ‘avin’ you all on because I’m a geezer. Intensive farmin’ is all right by me and if it’s cruel to the chickens then good because they’re all c****.”
‘Am I bein’ a hypocrite after years of givin’ it all that about organic, fresh, and cruelty-free? Nah, cos the stuff I’ve just put my name to is only sold in Brazil which is like in outer fakkin’ space or somethin’ so no one’s gonna notice over here anyway and I can still do all my ‘ere’s some tomatoes wiv a herb on ’em now give me twenty million quid Channel 4 cos I’m the patron saint of school dinners or whatever.”
Oliver then said that people were welcome to say mean things about him but if they did he would personally see to it that Dancing in the Moonlight gets to number one and stays there forever.