David Cameron has been accused of ‘tainting’ the New Year’s Honours List, after it emerged that the majority of honours recipients are actually pigs who have ‘done favours’ for the Conservative Party.
It is traditional for the political party in power to reward those donors who have paid handsomely for the privilege, but the sheer scale of the pig count this year was a surprise to many. Of the 1196 names on the list, 874 were found on close inspection to be members of the pig family, including 68 wild boars and a warthog.
Most of these were knighted, but a sizeable contingent received OBEs, while the warthog was made a Dame.
It is believed that every single ennobled pig was connected romantically in some way with a Conservative minister, with the exception of ‘Wilbur’ from Charlotte’s Web, who was made a Lord on the strength of his charity work.
Even traditional Tory supporters were shocked at the porcine bias. “The Honours List is supposed to reward those who have served their country, rather than farm animals who have sexually relieved the Prime Minister,” thundered The Times.
“We cannot with a clear conscience agree that the great tradition of knighthood is being upheld by giving them out for noshing off David Cameron. Even for pigs.”
Of course these days the Queen has little say in who is nominated for an honour, but insiders admit that Her Majesty is less than happy with the prospect of Buckingham Palace resembling the worst sort of Danish porn film, and has ordered a fifty-foot knighting sword so as not to get to close.
Public reaction to the Honours announcement was less hostile. “To be honest, it’s nice to see the pigs getting something back,” claimed Brian Renfrew, a charcutier from the village of Harold. “They work so hard, and in such horrible conditions, a gong is the least they deserve. I couldn’t do what they do, and I’m no prude.”
Most people interviewed by the Evening Harold were of the opinion that it would have been preferable to hand all 1196 honours to farmyard animals, rather than give anything all to Tory election strategist and turd-flinger Lynton Crosby.