The first Britain in space since Margaret Thatcher was thing, Tim Peake, will be blasted from the Baikonur Cosmodrome tomorrow on a mission to ensure that some corner of a low Earth orbit field is forever a little bit bobbins.
“As the only Brit up there it will be my responsibility to fly the flag,” he said. “A crap plastic flag I’ll shove in my colleagues’ faces during Euro 2016 until England fail to make it out of the group stage and then I’ll just drop it somewhere because what’s more British than mindless littering?”
Major Peake said he was also looking forward to introducing the practises of dunking custard creams into a nice floating bubble of PG Tips, and still being obsessed about World War II.
“I was keen to play a lot of contemporary British music while I’m there,” he said. “But I’ve already been warned that should anyone hear a bar of Coldplay or Mumford and Sons I’ll be walking home.”