It was once the nation’s least-favourite toilet paper, but Izal may soon be available again in selected outlets.
“Obviously, the name Izal is a bit soiled by association now,” said Harold businessman Woodrow Gunther, who has acquired the firm for £1, “so we needed a new brand name. We were thinking about that unique combination of sprouts and Quality Street and alcohol and dried fruit and sprouts and After Eights and alcohol you get at Christmas, and very quickly came up with the name Dash!.”
“The problem with Izal,” he explained, “is that it’s been smeared thanks to Obama using a sound-alike word to refer to Islamic State. So that was a bummer.”
“We certainly didn’t want to be marketing a product which could be used to spread jihadist shit. Dash!, on the other hand, is entirely safe from such unsavoury connotations. Isn’t it?”
“Anyway,” he continued, “Izal was a doomed product even before Islamic State was thought of, due to a not-fit-for-purpose finding by the Office of Fair Trading many years ago. The brand simply couldn’t absorb the impact and sales were sliding fast. The company was slipping behind in the toilet roll sector and ultimately went down the pan.”
Mr Gunther, who owns Guntco’s Supermarket in Harold, is aiming to roll out the new version in time for Christmas.
“The new packaging will of course spell out the dangers of actually using it to wipe yourself,” he added. “Instead, we’ll be marketing it at as a novelty product, aimed primarily at the hipster community. It’ll provide a nice touch of post-war irony in their outdoor privies.”