A surprise entrant into the race to become the Republican Party’s nominee for President of the United States has thrashed rivals in the latest round of opinion polls despite being made of bacon.
The porky candidate, tire fortune heir Jeff Miller, has an angry white face, a cross and the IQ of catshit. An image that many potential voters are responding to with joy.
“Jeff’s my man,” Cyrus T. Cliché III told us. “Being made of bacon he ain’t no Muslamic. Plus he ain’t no woman neither.”
Miller’s recently published book Guns and a Bible: The True American Patriot’s Survival Kit has rocketed to the top of the Amazon chart with supporters heralding his common sense approach and plain speaking.
“Jeff tells it like it is,” said Cyrus. “These are the End Times and he’s gonna lead us straight there.”
As the rest of us nervously watch the world’s noisiest theocracy set about choosing a new leader many are taking comfort from the fact that mad, bigoted and bacony though Jeff Miller is, he’s still a better choice than Donald Trump.