Wayne Rooney has admitted he may have been confused by the publicity about his appetite for goals after footage emerged of him eating Wembley’s goal posts ahead of tonight’s qualifier against Switzerland.
ITV cameramen were checking their monitors when they saw the veteran England captain run onto the pitch, pull up the goal posts and eat them.
“The posts themselves went in,” said the ITV, “complete with nets and webcams. We got excellent footage of them passing through Rooney’s digestive tract, thanks to their long battery life, waterproof casings and a good wi-fi signal.”
Panic set in among officials when they discovered that Rooney had also cleaned out the Wembley stockroom.
“We rang Arsenal to see if they had any spare goals they could lend us,” said an official, “but they told us to go away and try West Ham. In the end, we had to make some new ones, but it was a bit of a rushed job.”
“The goal England will be attacking unfortunately came out the full width of the pitch and higher than the stand behind it, and the goal they will be defending came off the Subutteo table.”
Manager Roy Hodgson has been praised by pundits for his last minute choice of Ronnie Corbett as the England goal keeper.
“This will totally demoralise the Swiss,” said Gary Lineker; “from their perspective, the target will look like it’s several miles away, even from the penalty spot.”