After enduring decades of oppression from insurgent grey squirrels, the remaining indigenous red squirrel is being encouraged to launch a fight back against its natural enemy.
Far cuter than their fatter so called North American ‘cousins’, who invited themselves to Britain half way through the last war to assist in repelling the Nazi squirrel and never left, the bushy tailed red squirrel has retreated to the remote forests of the UK dreaming of the day when they will be able to play fearlessly with their nuts in public.
Now, backed by a grant of more than £61,000 from the Dale Winton Heritage Lottery Fund which has been previously devoted to the promotion of weasels, red squirrels are receiving self-defence classes from instructors skilled on forest warfare.
“The training is going well,” reported Harold wildlife expert Geraldine Forster. “To see the little things using Kendo techniques to crack the greys’ skulls with sticks fashioned from branches with their own paws is a glorious, if rather gory sight. With luck, we could have them licked and be back in London within five years.”