Dementors in human form across the globe are getting ready to suck the joy out of Europe’s daftest annual contest.
“Eurovision makes people feel good,” hateful swine Jean Polkinghorne told us. “So I’m making a special effort to be horribly scathing and let everyone who enjoys watching it know that this means they have the emotional IQ of hair gel.”
Some happiness thieves are adopting a more intense strategy which will see them glued to both the TV and social media.
“I’m watching it ironically,” smugged thumping great git Tim Trotman, “while constantly updating my news feed and Twitter and obsessing over the smallest details so that everyone knows just how much I don’t care.”
Meanwhile local conspiracy theorists are waiting until the results before launching into a bitter tirade about how the voting is rigged and that the UK can never win again because of Brexit and Tony Blair.
Eurovision begins at 20:00 and is just plain nice. Shut up, it is.