Train tickets have been redesigned to include a key detail omitted from previous versions – the truth.
“We don’t like our passengers. Not at all,” said Louis Cypher, Network Rail’s chief spokesperson. “We like having lots of money, the government giving us more and all the loot being divided between us and the shareholders of the various rail companies. We’re fed up of having to lie about it. If you’re stupid enough to pay our prices even if you have to stand most of the way every single day then we’re going to treat you with the contempt you so richly deserve.”
“Oh, apart from first class ticket holders,” Mr Cypher added. “They’ll still be told to go **** themselves but they’ll also get a free copy of the Daily Telegraph to roll up and do so with.”