Wives and girlfriends are on high alert as reports emerge of an outbreak of ‘man-Ebola’ in the UK. The man-Ebola virus is so debilitating that men have lain stricken on the couch for weeks on end, unable to do anything more than watch Game of Thrones and football on telly.
Harold Bus Driver Gary Thorne said at first he thought he had a mild cough, but after realising he had many weeks sick leave owing he decided to check it out. “Dr Evans was kind enough to see me out of hours down at the Squirrel Lickers Arms. After buying him a couple of drinks he dropped the bombshell that I had man-Ebola and needed 3 weeks of complete rest. I felt my whole body shaking with excitement, I mean pain, as I went home to lie down.”
Fellow man-Ebola sufferer Dominic Delaney says the virus left his whole body aching. “Man-Ebola is definitely more painful than giving birth, in fact more painful than giving birth to twins while also having toothache. I don’t say this lightly but man-Ebola is probably worse than man-flu.”
Harold GP Clive Evans urged partners of man-Ebola sufferers to be patient and attentive. “Your man will be doing it tough sat on the couch all day. Thoughtlessly changing the channel from the football to a cooking show could seriously aggravate his condition. Concentrate on the little things – adjust his pillow, hand him his beer, and orally pleasure him without being too bitey.”
Dr Evans said he had heard whispers that some women thought man-Ebola was nothing like real Ebola. “I can assure you that is not the case – with real Ebola there are drugs you can get to make yourself better – presuming you are from a rich Western country that is.”
“But the very nature of man-Ebola means normal Ebola drugs won’t work. You could take a cough tablet I suppose but that is about it.”