Russia’s largest transport aircraft has been extensively refitted, so that Gérard Depardieu can be airlifted to the Ukraine frontline. In a daring operation that exceeded the airframe’s carrying capacity by some 26%, Depardieu was delivered intact but hungry and dangerously low on wine.
“As soon as I heard about Ukraine, I phoned my agent to see if such a trip was tax-deductable”, said the actor. “Then I had lunch, some patisseries and a small bucket of brandy. After that it was time for a money wash, a whole roast goose and a litre or so of pernod. That’s when I was struck in the back by a grappling hook, and winched aboard the plane.”
The logistics were difficult and involved several attempts at in-flight re-patéing. “The Russian airforce does not yet have the capability to store more than a tonne and a half of carefully refrigerated foie gras on a plane”, explained Depardieu.
The sweat-drenched hulk is considered a ‘heart throb’ in his ex-native France, a diagnosis that was confirmed by his team of cardiac surgeons.
Depardieu spent an entertaining evening showing troops how to sneak around the Russian border without burping and giggling, and how to urinate and projectile vomit simultaneously while eyeing up young girls.
A delighted Putin forgave Depardieu for destroying two latrines and a mess tent, describing the star as a ‘delicate and considerate lover’ who was akin to ‘being hugged by a big, cuddly wine bear’.