Boris Johnson has ended months of speculation this morning by confirming that he will be ending David Cameron’s political career in 2015.
“It is clear I can’t endlessly go on dodging these questions,” Johnson told journalists. “So, let me put it this way, I haven’t got any particular seat lined up but I do think in all probability, since you can’t do these things furtively, I might as well be absolutely clear, in all probability I will become an MP at the next general election and shaft David Cameron right up the Uncle Bulgaria.”
He then ruffled his hair and said something stupid and slightly racist causing a worrying amount of onlookers to shout “Top lad!” and promise to vote for him for “good bants.”
Meanwhile David Cameron, who is currently on holiday in Portugal, tweeted “Great news that Boris plans to stand at next year’s general election – I’ve always said I want my star players on the pitch.”
He was then seen to wade weeping into sea and start attacking the waves with a mallet. Leading keen political watchers to conclude that his words may not have been sincere.