A rampant future king of England has destroyed 85% of Hitchin, after the town was given to him as a birthday present.
No sooner had George, 12 months, been given the freedom of the city, than he began his destructive first steps through the shopping centre.
“Obviously we’re delighted that the royals took the time to visit”, said Hitchin’s half-crushed mayor, Derek Hopper. “But they could have warned us that their first-born had been gaining weight and height quite so…healthily.”
“Part of me wishes they’d blessed Luton with their presence instead.”
Crowds of flag-waving patriots were surprised to see the 27-foot high George tower over them, but they still cheered when he wrenched the roof off of Nandos.
“The poor little chap was obviously hungry”, said the owner. “Which isn’t surprising, considering he now weighs the same as a blue whale, four buses and a Prego steak roll.”
Experts believe that royal inbreeding has been bottled up for generations, and the massive heir is the result of William uncorking these suppressed genes inside a relative commoner.
Although critically injured, Hopper remains a fervent royalist. “This sort of thing justifies all their large houses, because George does take up a lot of room”, he said. “And anyway, it’s traditional to have our masters walk all over us.”