On the first day of his visit to India, George Osborne has announced match-fixers in the sub-continent will soon be eligible for loans backed by the UK government.
“Gambling is one of the UK’s great success stories.” brayed the man born into a wealthy family with an hereditary peerage app; a roll-over winner in the lottery of life “So we’re opening up that market to friends in India, who have friends in the UK with donations to make and votes to sell.”
City of London bankers already have UK tax breaks and protection but now, Indian crooks with a sizeable bet on England winning a Test match, will get their risk underwritten by the UK taxpayer too.
“So, it’s good news for trade, good news for dodgy syndicates and good news for England’s cricket team. Frankly, that’s England’s best bet of actually winning a match.”
Asked if an electorate cheered by cricket success might be more likely to vote Tory, the Chancellor pretended to look surprised “Really? They’re surely not that stupid, are they?” adding with a smile “I might have a tenner on it though.”