Glasgow could tackle its current health crisis by dropping an ‘either/or’ approach to heroin and yellow food that comes from the chip shop.
That’s the claim of a dietician who is trying to find out why so many Glaswegians are morbidly obese, despite the widespread availability of skag.
“I visited the morgue and was quietly poking a fat corpse when someone told me that the city was awash with diacetylmorphine”, said Dr Charlotte Bainbrough.
“At first I thought ‘Does that mean heroin is fattening?’ but then remembered it probably wasn’t. Could the problem be a lack of dietary balance?”
After injecting a fat tramp with smack as he slept over a series of nights, Bainbrough discovered that one side-effect was massive weight loss.
“He looked good-ish on his bench and eventually could fit under a broadsheet. Then I stopped with the needles, and started hiding pies in his pockets.”
Bainbrough had cracked it. With a carefully balanced junky food diet, Scotland’s unhealthiest city could soon be yo-yo-ing between cold turkey and cold turkey in batter.
“We recommend that addicts stop using syringes, and instead use Heroin as a condiment. A little sprinkle of brown in a cheesecake can make it even more moreish, and help you mong off the calories to boot.
“It’s the universal truth: moderation in all things. If you’ve already eaten two family lasagnes this morning, why not put that third one down and tuck into some cheekbone-emphasising heroin?”
Bainbrough thinks supermarkets could help by spiking their food, but Tesco insisted that they weren’t about to start putting horse in their burgers.