Bank of Harold bosses have dismissed as ‘scaremongering’ union claims that customer service would be affected following the bank’s move to replace all call centre staff with a large colony of badgers.
Bank chiefs insist that it is unrealistic to expect to pay human wages in the current economic climate, and point out that the considerable savings made will be sufficient to safeguard the bonus structure for several years to come.
“The real beauty of the plan is that badgers don’t require money,” explained CEO Howard Bing. “In fact, they have no concept of finance whatsoever, preferring an entirely slug- and beetle-based economy, where immediate consumption is very much the norm. And with the slug/pound exchange rate where it is right now, we’re quids in.”
When pressed to give greater assurances around customer service, Bing insisted that language skills would not be an issue. “People say they can’t understand call centre staff from other species, but that’s just normal racism. There’s no reason on earth why, with a bit of patience and a clear line, you wouldn’t be able to get a good idea of whether or not your personal badger was happy with your balance.”
Bing conceded that getting more precise financial information might be challenging, as badgers speak no English, communicating entirely in snuffled grunts, but insisted that customers would notice little change from the existing call centre in Romford.
Lionel Garage, leader of the Harold Independence Party, was scathing in his opposition to the plan. “My party has a clear line on keeping badgers out of the village – they’re a menace, they take our jobs and they spread TB by sucking milk from cows’ udders in the night. Actually, that last one might be foreigners, I’ll have to check.”