Elderly bigots across the country are enjoying their first full day of gains from a budget designed especially for them.
“This is a budget for the makers, the doers and most especially anyone who was thinking of voting Ukip in 2015,” said George Osborne. “We’re putting Britain further to the right, but the job is far from done.”
Osborne’s budget took 5p off the cover price of both the Daily Mail and the Daily Telegraph, put a cap on the top price of World at War boxsets and abolished VAT on golfing equipment as well as on clothes bought at garden centres.
“Both the Tories and Ukip get the majority of their votes from the over fifty-fives,” explained the Chancellor. “This gave the budget a clear goal: appeal to the loons and sod everyone else. This isn’t about the standard of living or safe-guarding jobs this is about my standard of living and safe-guarding my job.”
However Osborne has denied that his budget was entirely focussed on wooing Ukip.
“I took a penny off a pint of beer and halved the duty on bingo. That’s what the proles like, isn’t it? Maybe next year I’ll also include something about football and tanning machines. That ought to do the trick.”
At the time of going to press no Ukip spokesperson was available for comment as they were too busy blaming the first day of spring on the fact that homosexuals can get married and resenting that the countryside is once more becoming bright and gay.