The Police Association has reacted angrily to plans to house magistrates in police stations, claiming they wouldn’t be ‘on-the-spot enough’.
Instead, they want to see officers carrying tiny judges with them, either in back packs or a proper legal case.
The Truncheon Foundation, a forward-leaning police think-tank, is some of the brain behind the suggestion. It believes that by only employing magistrates considerably under 5-foot tall, police officers wouldn’t struggle to carry the judicial system.
“By adopting the ‘midgetstrate’, Britain’s police would be more efficient”, said PC Flegg. “Think of it as a cross between RoboCop, Judge Dredd and Jeremy Kyle.”
Once a suspect was found guilty, Flegg explained that the police officer would instantly take away their freedom, using a nail gun, duct tape and a plank.
PC Flegg acknowledged that the burden of justice might slow down her fellow officers, and that new rules would be needed to make sure that ‘scum were still put away’.
“It should be an offence to run away, wear trainers or be fitter than a police officer”, she proposed. “And we should be able to lightly shoot at the quick ones once the midgestrate acknowledges that we’re getting a bit wheezy or out of puff.”
A trial of the scheme has had mixed success in London. Magistrates have welcomed the chance to witness first-hand the difficult situations police have to deal with, but a number of officers have complained that their knees hurt.
But PC Flegg insists that she’s comfortable with the hand of judgement on her shoulder. The village is now dotted with ‘criminals’ nail-gunned to the spot, for offences ranging from fleet-footedness to not dressing smartly enough in court.
“My midgetstrate is a lot smaller than me, so it’s easy for me to get a conviction”, revealed Flegg. “If he acts up, I just threaten to lay down on the law.”