New York emergency services have warned that the city faces the ‘greatest human disaster in living memory’ after singer Morrissey announced plans to play a gig supported by aged crooner Cliff Richard.
“We’ve faced financial catastrophe and extreme climate,” warned New York City Police Commissioner William Bratton. “But I don’t think this city has ever faced a looming depression of the magnitude of a Cliff/Morrissey event.”
Panicking locals are asking why this once-in-a-lifetime disaster had to happen in their city, but experts are unable to agree on a cause, beyond terrible bad luck, and Northern whimsy.
New York mayor Bill de Blasio appealed for calm at this difficult time. “Fellow New Yorkers,” he said to journalists at a hastily-arranged press conference at the departure lounge of LaGuardia Airport, “We’ve been through worse than this together, and we will survive this. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m getting the hell out of here. Brrrr…”