God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth, has blamed the heavy floods of stupidity that have recently battered Britain on Ukip.
In an exclusive interview with the Evening Harold God said that Ukip members, like David Silvester the Henley-on-Thames councillor who claimed that the recent bad weather has been caused by gay marriage, are making the country thicker by acting “arrogantly against common sense.”
“It is Ukip’s fault that large swathes of the nation have been afflicted by a flood of prejudiced loons desperately pretending that their organisation has more gravitas than a cat licking its bum,” God said. “Britain is now regularly experiencing storms of sexist, racist and homophobic nonsense and despite what people like David Silvester may say this has absolutely nothing to do with Me.”
We asked God whether there was any truth to the rumours that He hated gay marriage. To our surprise this question was greeted by laughter.
“I love weddings!” God beamed. “There’s a reason why Jesus’ first miracle was to turn water into wine at that wedding in Cana you know. What could be better than a sincere declaration of love and a great big party afterwards? That said I would be pleased if you could all stop playing My Heart Will Go On at the wedding disco. Being omnipresent I go to every wedding and that woman’s voice really makes Me want to start smiting.”
Despite us pressing the matter God refused to comment either on or off the record on what the future held for Ukip and how He felt about people like David Silvester who use His name in a vain attempt to give their personal prejudices a veneer of respectability.
“I will say one thing,” God told us. “Heaven is a tolerant multi-ethnic community without countries or borders. Those that cherish division may well find themselves going somewhere a lot warmer when their time comes.”