Cheshire has declared it has a ‘significant chemical weapon capability’ after winning an online auction for Syria’s old stock.
While its new deadly status is just beginning to sink in, the rogue county has already drawn up a series of demands and issued a statement of intent.
“These weapons will allow us to defend ourselves against anyone foolish enough to launch an attack”, claimed the northern territory.
“One more quip from Jeremy Clarkson about ‘onyx coffee tables’ or ‘Range Rooneys’ and we’ll have no option but to melt his big face.”
Possessing the weapons would be intimidating enough, but military experts believe that Cheshire also has the means of delivering them.
“We’ve witnessed a massive build-up of Cheshire’s Panzer Division over the past 7 or 8 years”, said retired Brigadier George Ffarr. “They’ve accumulated a formidable fleet of black Audi Q7s and Porsche Cayennes in the car park at John Lewis.”
“They’re intimidating enough with a small au pair behind the wheel, but even more so with a barrage of rockets on top.”
Amongst their demands, Cheshire is calling for the removal of Crewe, and at least a mention on the BBC’s regional news website. In response the government has imposed a number of sanctions, limiting the supply of oatcakes to the south and fake tan to the north.
Alex Salmond called for Cheshire’s independence to be recognised, but was quickly rounded on by the belligerent state.
“Independence? That’s the trouble with you fatalist scots: no ambition. We’re calling for unequivocal surrender.”
UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon has called for calm in the region and offered to broker a peace deal.
“We need to reach a compromise whereby Cheshire is given the respect it deserves, while at the same time finding somewhere to decommission their weapons. It needs to be somewhere with proven expertise, somewhere far away, and preferably cheap. So far I’ve had a really good quote from a firm in Damascus.”