Nearly 100 Tory MPs have written to David Cameron asking for the UK to be repositioned in relation to Europe. Provisional thinking is for the UK as a whole to be moved 100 – 150 miles North-West into the Atlantic.
“The exact distance is subject to trial and error of course ” said Senior Tory Bernard Jenkin, who drafted the letter,”much the same as our financial plans for when we leave the EU. So, let’s say … far enough that we can’t smell the garlic, close enough they can hear xenophobic hectoring with a loud-hailer. Perhaps about 100 miles as a starting point. As a bonus we can use what’s left of the Tunnel to drain all our excess rainwater over to France. It’s probably their fault that it’s been so wet recently anyway.”
Jenkin is unconcerned about any problems this might present for a newly independent Scotland “If Scotland is selfish enough, or more likely stupid, enough, to want to go its own way, become ‘weaker apart’ even, then they’ll just have to make their own way back.”
Not all MPs who signed the letter are necessarily in favour of the geographical move. “I’m quite happy to stay roughly where we are.” said former defence minister Sir Gerald Howarth “Partly because we’ve a cottage in France which is ideal for weekends , we love the French. And partly because our twins, Richard and Westwell, are at the Sorbonne and like to pop home every now and then”.
“No, all I really want to do is to veto any laws I don’t like. Like hunting. It’s the Tory way.”