Labour leader Ed Miliband is said to be ‘incandescent with rage’ after a disgruntled stylist left him with the hair of a brutal dictator.
Miliband has been closely attended by a team of image consultants and media advisors since he purged his brother David from the party, in an attempt to make him seem wishy-washy, bumbling and odd.
But insiders have occasionally hinted that Miliband is a ruthless and shrewd politician who will stop at nothing to become a supreme leader.
Labouring on Miliband’s image is a job fraught with danger, with some hand gesture workers forced to put in up to 72 hours a week. Their job is to make him seem incompetent and slightly out of his depth, instead of the suave and erudite monster that lies behind the scenes.
The gruelling routine has left many of Ed Miliband’s attendants stressed and unhappy, causing one disillusioned hair dresser to leave a coded message on the top of his head. Obviously inspired by North Korea’s Kim Jong-un or a young labrador that’s just had its ovaries out, the short-back-and-sides seems to say ‘this is a man not afraid to make cuts’.
The fool-hardy act of defiance has seen the stylist removed from the programme, along with his family, his clippers and some scissors. While observers are split on who holds the real power in the party, they all agree that the haircut could be damaging to crucial votes amongst floating voters or younger families with two children who holiday in Norfolk and occasionally buy organic kumquats in Waitrose.
“This strident style would make any man look powerful, wise and courageous”, said PR executive Nigel Stonewall. “That’s a big no-no for a politician in Britain. What we’ve worked carefully to create is the image of a benign village idiot; it worked really well for Boris Johnson.”
Stonewall is already planning a damage limitation exercise. “I suppose we’ll have to arrange for him to get caught doing something childish and stupid now”, he sighed. “Like taking a selfie at a funeral, adopting a mockney accent, or employing Ed Balls as Shadow Chancellor.”