In what some are calling “the custody battle of the century”, Andy Murray has been awarded the Sports Personality Of The Year in an attempt to secure his full British status after Scottish independence.
“We have given him the award to recognise his amazing achievements over the last year” the British said. “And make sure we have him Monday to Friday, but we are willing to let Scotland have him at weekends and Boxing Day.”
Scotland has reacted angrily claiming Britain is trying to play the role of “best parent”.
“Before any divorce, you often get one parent giving their kids bigger and better Christmas presents to try and secure their love.
“That’s why they named him Sports Personality Of The Year. But we will keep reminding him that until he was successful they denied he was theirs.
“If he hadn’t won the Olympics we would have been on Jeremy Kyle doing a DNA test to see if he was really British”
Britain admitted that they had been unsure of his British credentials but always tried to accept him into their side of the family for two weeks every year, but now he has won something, they are keen to keep him, and giving him this award is just the start.
Britain explained: “Today we give him Sports Personality Of The Year and tomorrow, so he doesn’t think we are just doing it to score cheap points, we will officially redefine the word personality to make it fit.”