Prince Charles turned sixty-five today and is delighted to be receiving his state pension.
“Oh yes, it’ll come in very handy,” said the Prince. “Nice to see the state doing something for us old folk. Now I’ll be getting an extra £66 a week on top of the yearly £1.1m the Treasury thoughtfully already gives me and the £19m a year I get from that thing Mummy gave me ages ago. What’s it called now? Oh yes, that’s right: Cornwall.”
The Prince acknowledged that many people his age and older are facing real suffering thanks to sweeping government changes in benefits and the sharp rise in the cost of living.
“Tell me about it,” he said. “All told I think I’ve got about three dozen spare bedrooms and we worry constantly that one day we’ll have to pay tax on them. And is this pension thingy linked to jobs you’ve had? I might have a problem with that.”
And what other presents will the world’s longest serving understudy get on his big day? Perhaps the most telling detail has come from his wife. In an interview in today’s Daily Telegraph, Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall says: ‘He likes to make a list of things that he wants, so you get it exactly right…’
However the thing that Charles is believed to want most of all, after being a Tampax, is to be king.
“I don’t want it for myself,” he told us. “It’s the will of the people not just in this country but overseas. For example I had a lovely card from Australia this morning that simply said ‘Good on ya, Chaz, ya bludger! Soon as you get the golden dip off Liz we’re dropping you faster than a bilby in a billabong!!’ And the card from Canada was equally enthusiastic. Whilst these messages may not be understandable in the literal sense, I always say that with the Commonwealth the respect they feel for me comes shining through.”
Prince Charles is looking forward to the end of his current trip to India so he can return home and enjoy a belated birthday party with his son Prince William, other close relatives, and Prince Harry.