In a tearful confession to journalists at his Florida mansion, Daily Mail columnist Richard Littlejohn has finally admitted that he is actually a single mother of two, named Tracy.
Littlejohn’s femaleness has been an open secret for years among Fleet Street insiders, but the reading public might be surprised, given his outspoken views on everyone else.
Arm in arm with life partner Janet, Richard ‘Tracy’ Littlejohn revealed that his brash, unpleasant journalist persona was merely “a facade to get paid work”, and explained to crowds of sympathetic reporters how things had gone too far:
“I started doing it for the kids,” he sobbed. “It’s so hard to live on benefits, but how can I go out to work with two toddlers running around? So I did a bit of writing. Nothing serious at first – just a bit of work on the Birmingham Evening Mail as an industrial correspondent – but then someone introduced me to the Evening Standard, and things went downhill from there.”
“I’m in the wrong body – literally, I have to put on this grotesque comedy fat suit every day and pretend to be an ugly bigot – I’m so tired of living a lie. Me and Janet just want to spend our lives from now on writing cookery blogs and getting tattooed.”
Shamefully admitting that she still claims child benefit, Richard admitted that her work for the Mail could be seen as hypocritical.
“It’s a sort of self-hatred, I think. I write all these terrible untrue things about single mothers, purely to spite myself. And for the enormous salary which comes in handy for nappies and more tattoos.”
Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre was unavailable for comment, having recently come out as a Polish immigrant and disappeared on a cycling tour with his boyfriend.