Politicians of all persuasions have spoken of their sadness that the UK can no longer build as many massive, deadly warships as it once did.
Massive, deadly warships have been a traditional part of British life for over 500 years, and a traditional part of the lives of many other countries that happen to have a shoreline.
From such historic facilities as Portsmouth, Rosyth and the Clyde, Britain has launched an endless stream of massive, deadly warships for the offspring of local families to use as killing platforms or a heroic, watery grave.
“This is a sad day for Britain, and a sad day for the sort of countries that benefit from being shelled”, complained retired Admiral Sir Houghton Hersey-Hugh. “I don’t know what my one surviving son will do if our industry shuts down.”
From as young as 5, Hersey-Hugh’s children dreamed of sailing half-way round the globe ‘and shelling the shit out of some god-foresaken backwater’, the Admiral revealed. “It’s totally unfair for the accountants to deny him the same short life expectancy as his ancestors. They’ll be turning in their graves, assuming they’re not trapped mangled in the wreckage.”
With a slightly reduced ability to build massive, deadly warships Hersey-Hugh worries that obscure countries thousands of miles away may act up, leaving only the option to bomb them to buggery using the nation’s completely inadequately sized RAF.
Defence Secretary Philip Hammond dismissed such concerns and insisted that politicians recognised the value of being able to plunge into a war anywhere in the world, particularly just before elections when the poll results were dodgy.
Hammond also denied suggestions that domestic politics were behind the decision to effectively close Portsmouth.
“The 2015 election looks a little rocky but fortunately we’ve identified a bolshy little enclave that should help sort that out”, said Hammond. “And lets face it: a massive, deadly warship isn’t going to help much if we’re locked in an interminable border war with Scotland.”