Following the discovery that Heinz ketchup doesn’t have any affect on rain forests, McDonald’s has announced it will phase the condiment out in favour of orangutan blood.
McDonald’s restaurants have served Heinz ketchup for over 40 years, despite the tomato-based product actually tasting of something. But now Heinz has realigned the product by popping it in the bin, and using something more typically bland that you don’t want to think about where it came from.
“Orangutans are the ideal source for orangutan blood and it’s a source that’s sustainable, for at least as long as there are orangutans”, explained Nigel Manning, the company’s head of near-human resauces. “There have been a few teething problems with this natural product being a little bit too runny, but our food scientists are busy tackling that problem.”
Largely vegetarian and fairly active for a great ape, the orangutans’ healthy lifestyle means their blood can be all watery. “But if you put them in a cage and just feed them ice cream and Big Macs it thickens up nicely”, revealed Manning. “Although it does tend to make them wheeze a lot.”
Condemnation of the practice has come from all the normal activists, including the WWF, Greenpeace and people with tastebuds. “What has taken us by surprise are complaints from some new campaigners”, admitted Manning. “They include the Countryside Alliance, the United Nations and even the Taliban.”
Undeterred, Manning revealed plans for a new orangutan squeezing plant, which can empty a big monkey of red stuff in less than 40 seconds. “We’ve put a smiling gibbon on the label, our research shows people find them 34% more endearing. It’s not really misleading. After all, our burgers aren’t really made from clowns.”
Manning hopes the ‘scarlet pots of joy’ will turn round a recent decline in the corporation’s profits. “We’ve been getting things a bit wrong lately”, he admitted. “We’ve been using recycled packaging, sustainable coffee and even knocked out the occasional salad. And where’s that got us?”
Manning believes that it’s not the free balloons or happy meals that drag the punters in, but the crowds of angry hippies trying to petrol-bomb the drive-thru. “As much as we hate them, they bring a lot of free publicity”, he said. We asked Manning if that left a sour taste in the mouth. “It’s not that bad”, he declared. “We like to call it ‘the Orangu-tang’.”