After earlier announcing that the NHS could save £500 million a year by charging foreign patients, Health Minister Jeremy Hunt said another £2 billion could be freed up if doctors harvested their organs.
“By charging foreigners for health care we will get the shirts off their back, which then provides easier access to their kidneys” clarified Hunt.
“My officials confirm that a number of Eastern European migrants are greedily entering the UK with two kidneys and could easily spare one to pay for routine GP visits and prescriptions. The kidneys could be on sold to China, or swapped for iPhone 5s.”
Hunt also promised to crack down on the problem of ‘health tourists’ by subjecting to them to the same treatment as real tourists.
“We will shuttle them to hospital in overcrowded double decker buses with inane commentary as each non-descript building is passed. The bus will stop at a traditional English pub (established 2007) for an over-priced ploughman’s lunch. When they finally arrive at the hospital they will find all the doctors and nurses are made of wax.”
Hunt denied opposition claims that his harvesting plan was ‘heartless’.
“Total nonsense” said Hunt, “we will take hearts too. It is all set out in the extremely fine print on the patient consent form we will get all foreigners to sign.”
Other commentators said that Hunt wasn’t tackling the root cause of the problem, which was that under an inefficient, bloated NHS even routine operations cost an arm and a leg.
“Arm and a leg – great idea” said Hunt. “Those Hyde Park gypsies will think twice about free-loading from the doctor if they have to hop back.”