The newly appointed Secretary of Secretary of State for Work and Pensions has reported that his first few days in office have been productive and struck a cautiously optimistic note by declaring them not ‘entirely humbug’.
“Stepping to Iain Duncan’s Smith’s shoes after the Cabinet reshuffle was never going to be easy,” ex-city financier Ebenzer Scrooge told us. “According to this government’s own figures since he took the reins statutory homelessness has risen by 34% and the Samaritans have reported a significant rise in suicides which are now at their highest peak this century. Sterling work but I’m hoping that my new reforms will top that.”
The new minister, whom critics have argued has not been given his job on merit but simply because he knew the right people namely stockbroker and Old Etonian the late Jacob Marley who was a close friend of David Cameron’s father, gave us an insight into his approach to his work.
“I asked myself what don’t we like? And the answer came to me in a flash, we don’t like poor people,” Scooge explained. “So immediately I set up a working party to determine whether there are no prisons, no Union workhouses and also if the Treadmill and the Poor Law are still in full vigour.”
“I hope so because these leeches aren’t getting any fucking benefits now I’m in charge.”
When it was pointed out to him that for many people both in full employment and out of it benefits are a vital life line and that the wholesale withdrawal of them could endanger life Scrooge was unrepentant.
“If they would rather die,” said Scrooge, “they had better to do it, and decrease the surplus population.”
A Number 10 insider said that the Prime Minister is so far delighted with his new minister. “Some bleeding heart liberals are getting worried about what Scrooge is going to do at the DWP,” our source said. “But that’s nothing. If you want to really see how we can screw over people who can’t afford things wait until you find out what Thomas Gradgrind is going to do over at Education.”